Something strange happened to me that you’re going to laugh at when I tell you because it’s not *actually* that strange but it jolted me out of whatever funk I’ve been in for weeks if not months: I hung out with someone who was optimistic. Sincerely. Honestly. GENUINELY. Hopeful. His worldview was one of seeing the best in people and really believing in us as a species.
I typically err on the side of seeing the good in others and, to a fault, believing in people’s capacity for change. The last few years I’ve seen too much of our dark side and have found myself agreeing with later-Vonnegut and Baldwin, rethinking my stance, waving my fist at God saying, “Dammit. Maybe I was wrong? Y’all are awful.”
10% of people are psychopathic. Narcissism is an epidemic. These conditions (if that’s what we want to call them) are that of empathy deficits. It matters because when we have a society built on the purported values of liberty and free markets and the pursuit of happiness – but have a populace full of people who (genetically or otherwise) lack the capacity for empathy, care, and conscientiousness – and those people are over-represented in our models of success – we have a problem.
We have a problem.
I’ve shared my own experience with facing evil straight on and wonder how those folks who feel no remorse, lack the ability to perspective take, and leave a trail of destruction in their wake – rise up the ranks in American Society. We will overlook just about any character deficit in exchange for Results. The way in which we value Achievement over character is driving me batty and most days I feel defeatist about it and wonder if perhaps I’m teaching my daughter the wrong things. Maybe it would be better to tell her to care what others think of her over what she thinks, to cheat the system because it’s rigged, and to go ahead and make choices based on money and status because the life of caring and connection is painful and lonely, and money can keep you safe (“safe”).
I was introduced to the elementary school curriculum for my kiddos’s class this year and saw, again, that she’s being graded on things that absolutely do not matter. It was difficult not to scream, “HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING!” in the face of every well-meaning person in that room. We have decades of data on what leads to a meaningful life, what predicts success (it’s not grades), and how humans learn.
Still, we (choose to) teach reading wrong, reinforce achievement over learning, and continue to breed compliance and reward obedience over independent thought, persistence, learning, and all those soft skills that make up a good life and competent healthy human.
The existing school system was built to breed factory workers. We no longer have factories. High IQ and ability to memorize and regurgitate information is great for standardized tests, but not so great for problem-solving, navigating the job market, negotiating and deal-making, rebounding from failure, developing taste, critical thinking, and – frankly not so useful in a world that has spellcheck, Grammarly, and chatGPT. I’m just sad about all of it.
The existing structures are (still) predicated on breeding fear and shame. Fear that you’re not going to perform as well. Shame for not being good or smart enough. CONSTANTLY comparing yourself to your classmates, colleagues, and friends. It’s a freaking war zone of idiocracy masquerading as ok because it’s the norm and it is exhausting and sad.
We’re all still trying to game a system and climb a ladder that leads nowhere except to feed an old schema for what it meant to be successful.
I don’t think any of the parents who are doing their kids’ homework for them or are obsessed with grades are intentionally trying to harm their children. They’re teaching their kids the lessons they learned: the system is rigged, so cheating is ok. You’re being screwed so screw em back! This is what it takes and if I can make it easier for you, I will because I can! No one helped me, so I will help you.
More candidly, I think everyone is exhausted. And no one makes good decisions from a place of depletion, despondency, loneliness, and insecurity.
To ask yourself existential questions requires effort, energy, and people. People who are grounded in reality, who are willing and able to lean into conversations about The Hard Things, who can sit in the discomfort of being rejected, disliked, challenged, and inconvenienced for their principles.
Most of us do not have this. We have to actively cultivate it and…when??
The energy expenditure required to challenge a dominant system is wheeeeew. It’s a lot. I understand why people don’t. I don’t hate or judge these people, I understand them and that is what frightens me. I see myself in their choices. I understand how you arrive at that place: survival mode – a life without dreams, self-reflection, introspection, and true human connection. It is not a great life but it’s one many of us live, by default or by circumstance.
So I’m in my deep dark broody place, licking my wounds and feeling despondent about my own *insert life issues* and I go to drinks with this colleague and he’s optimistic.
What’s more, is it wasn’t annoying and I was trying to figure out why and I think it was his eyes.
His eyes said: I really believe this. I think our better angels can win.
Something about his conviction touched something inside of me that was dormant or died. I had to contend with how far I’d fallen in my own faith that things work out. Because I’m not sure they do. But I’m also not sure that matters. I think all that matters is what you decide to do (or not do) next.
That’s all you can ever do or control: your next action. Even if it’s…go get a glass of water. Maybe *not* send that angry email. Pause before you react. Choose to feel your grief or anger. Go for a run. Watch TV. Say the hard thing. Tell the truth, directly. Ask for a hug. We have lots of choices, most of which we can’t access when we’re drowning in the default mode of go go go push push push rush rush rush.
I hope my friend is right. I want him to be right. I’m not sure it matters if he is. It matters what we decide to do next. What we believe. What we choose. And I choose to live according to this edict from A Man Without a Country, where Kurt Vonnegut wrote the following:
[pause please because I cannot make this next part up]
I am at a table finishing this piece, in a room full of screaming children. My kiddo walks up and asks me what I am writing about. I said losing faith in humanity and then remembering what matters.
As if on cue, she starts singing My Girl.
And there you have it.
The only proof I needed.🙂 The music will still be wonderful.
Happy Sunday,
Margo
