Colin Jost has a memoir I haven’t read, but I laugh every time I see the title: “A Very Punchable Face: A Memoir.”
There are few people I want to punch in the face more than those who bright-side things. Jost isn’t one of those people (I don’t think…I don’t know him), but his book title had me thinking about those toxically positive people who are always looking for the silver lining and telling you to focus on the positive and find a reason to be grateful.
It’s not bad advice, in fact, it’s great advice – with one giant caveat. You can’t be grateful and positive until you’ve experienced the negative parts. You don’t get to skip steps. Emotional bypassing is not the same as being “positive.” It’s being avoidant and in denial.
No one is more face-punchable than those who skip over the hard parts, bypass their own negative emotions, and then avoid their pain by insisting you do too.
The way to get through hard times is to hold two truths at once: Things are not great AND we can find great things despite it.
I’m not optimistic about the fate of, well, everything. I’ve seen too much. And humans, at our core, really suck. Our demons get the better of us more often than not and when given the choice between doing the right thing and doing the easy thing, we do the easy thing. We lie, we cheat, we choose ourselves. We’re a hot mess of rigidity, lizard brain, and self-absorption.
However.
Thanks to our prefrontal cortexes and epigenetics we don’t have to suck. We possess the capacity to change and make better choices. Different choices. We can learn from mistakes, we can amend, we can repair. We can recognize our impulses to act a fool and then choose not to.
So. I have thoughts about the election but in using my prefrontal cortex I’m saving those for IRL convos and not the internet because I have learned that there are some topics not worth bringing up online.
But here’s what I will say:
(1) We are in Trauma Brain Mode right now. Anytime I hear gloom and doom catastrophizing, I know we’re speaking from fear and trauma brain. Fatalism, globalizing, fear-mongering, all or nothing, tribalism, black-and-white thinking – it’s giving basic. It’s giving emotionally underdeveloped. It’s giving, “I’m afraid and immature.” File these responses under: “things toddlers do.”
That’s not to say it isn’t true, but it isn’t helpful and usually not a reflection of reality.
The reality is that things are not great. They’re going to continue to be not great regardless of who wins because people are gonna people and this is a battle of worldviews and who has the right to exist. The battle between moral righteousness isn’t over if your side wins. It’s still going to exist. It might even escalate.
AND.
We will find a way forward. Because of number two below.
(2) One of the rules in my home is we don’t lie. I try not to tell my daughter things will be ok when I don’t know if they will. I take more of a “I don’t know” approach. And then do my best to instill in her the faith that she will be able to figure things out no matter what happens. The world might suck, but she doesn’t have to.
That’s where I’m at right now. I am not going to sit here and tell you what Prof G said last week about how “whoever wins, democracy is fine and this is no big deal.” Hard disagree. It’s a very big deal. And I don’t know how the cards will fall.
What I do know is that I trust that no matter what systemic failures continue or get worse, you will find a way to be ok. You will find a way to hold on to your heart and to keep your humanity.
That, IMO, is the task at hand.
To retain our kindness in the face of profound insanity, delusion, and absolutely unfettered chaos, irrationality, and unprocessed psychological trauma (I’m convinced so much of this is trauma-related, but that’s for another email).
Here’s our assignment: When the world goes to hell and a handbasket, which you need to expect it will, who will you be? What will you do? How will you show up?
Do not let whatever forces of evil and dehumanization out there dim your light.
Every time I hit rock bottom – and it is often because rock bottom is not actually the bottom, it leads to a trap door with a basement and then a bunch of stairs that take you into Dante’s inferno – I remind myself that the best revenge is a life well lived.
If you want to prove anything, if you want to win, retain your humanity in the face of evil.
Go vote.
And then go watch Agatha All Along so we can discuss because oh em GOD. Kathryn Hahn always delivers but this one is next level. I think I need a book club so we can debrief because I have a lot to say about this one.
I’m not arguing you avoid politics. I’m claiming that existential angst, anxiety, and worry aren’t useful.
Drive someone to a voting center. Knock on doors. Donate. And then live your life.
If it is the end of days, then go spend time with your loved ones, crack open a bottle of something delicious, and enjoy the sunset. We’re all gonna die eventually and I don’t want to keep having to realize what matters after terrible no good things happen.
Be kind, be real, and remember the job of the news is not to report but to hijack your amygdala. Don’t let it.
The best revenge is a life well lived.
You want to take a stand – choose to retain your heart and humanity in a world that has abandoned it.
Let’s live to die another day.
With love,
Margo
PS: I wrote about this last year. Still relevant. See: Enjoying yourself while the world burns.
